Mommy Moments Monday 9/28/09

~Mommy Moments Monday~
Lessons learned and memories made.

Do you ever start feeling discouraged? Wonder if you're really being the best parent you can be? Your child goes through a phase where they are constantly testing you and you begin to wonder if what you're doing works or if the anti-parenters have it right and we should all just let our kids raise themselves? My daughter has been going through a really rough stage. I have been just hanging in there, praying, trying to stay as consistent as humanly possible, trying to stay as calm as humanly possible... I thought I had the key by cutting out the television but it couldn't be that easy could it? TV was a part of the problem, yes. A large part I believe. She learned some of these behaviors from the television and stopping watching it is not going to undo what has already been done. It will help from here on out, but it can't undo the past. So I have alot of tantruming I'm dealing with and bad behaviors and some days I wonder if I'm getting through to her at all, and if the right things are getting through to her.
Last week I had a woven cotton blanket on her bed and she kept pulling the strings out one by one and then pulling so hard they ripped out. Literally destructively unravelling the blanket, ripping it up. Well needless to say she got in big trouble for that! At the time I wasn't sure if she had gotten the point of the disciplinary measure or if she was just using it as an excuse to pitch a fit.
Day before yesterday she was playing with her dolly Jane. She had made a nest of blankets on the couch and carefully tucked baby Jane in. Then she said to the doll sternly, "Baby Jane, no breaking the blanket!"
A minute later she agains told the doll, "Baby Jane! No breaking the blanket! Breaking is not nice!" and this time she picked the doll up gently with a sad look on her face and gave it two swats on the behind and then put it back down. Then she looked up at me and said, "Mama, Baby Jane is cryin'! Baby Jane is sad!" So I asked her, "What do you think you should do now?"
She turned back to the baby dolly, asked her so softly I could almost not hear, "You know breaking is naughty, right? Are you sorry for breaking?" ...picks up the doll and hugs it... "Awww! I love you baby Jane! I forgive you! No more breaking, okay?" Then she tucked the doll back in with a kiss and tiptoed over to me with a sweet smile.
And I had a tear in my eye because I realized she IS getting it. It is getting through. Even when I don't know if she's listening or paying attention or old enough to understand- she is. And it said to me, 'hang in there, the terrible twos don't last forever!'


~*~

Not too long ago, I was sitting on the floor playing with Chicklet (3) and Bug (13 months) came crawling over to me, pulled up to standing, turned around, and plopped his little tush down in my lap. A minute later he lurched off and took off to explore the toybox, then returned to again climb into my lap unassisted. I leaned down and kissed his hair and he basically ignored me except to lean back on me and get comfy, where he say and played for a while. And it made me think how precious babies and toddlers are, thinking particularly about how they don't have any insecurities or hinderances when they know they are loved. How my kids can just climb into my lap uninvited on a whim with 100% confidence that I'm going to receive them with a kiss and a snuggle, and they can leave with just as clear of a concience. Because just as much as they KNOW I love them and won't turn them away, they know that they love me too whether they're in my lap or across town and assume that I know that too. So precious and amazing! I think that is one of the reasons Jesus said that we must be like little children in our faith. Little ones know what they know and they don't overthink like adults do; 'what if I'm crawling into Daddy's lap and he misreads my intentions?' or 'What if I'm not good enough?' 'What if He doesn't love me?' 'What if He turns me away?' Little ones are so precious because they have to pomp, no facade, no mask. They are what they are. They love. It's what they do. Oh to be like a little child in my faith!


~*~

Terrible-Twos (Project No-TV!!)

My Chicklet, who as you know by now is 2 years and 11 months old, has been going through one of those phases which most parents cringe at the mere mention of... The Terrible-Twos!! I always swore I would never be THAT mom with THAT child throwing a fit in WalMart. Well I'm sure you're sitting there snickering at that comment... Yes, I was THAT mom with my dear girl turned into a raving lunatic in the middle of a shopping expedition. And I cried too as soon as I got in the car.


My dear darling Chicklet has always been very strong willed. She can tantrum with the best of them! She has even tried beating her own head against the wall once or twice. We tried everything to stop the bad behavior. She was just getting worse and worse and nothing I was doing was helping. I remember a time when she was only like this when she was tired, but more recently it got to be a constant thing. It was horrible. I cried, where is my sweet girl who was always smiling? Always trying to help me? Always eager to learn and wanting to please me? Where did she go?! 

I started thinking back to when the behavior issues started. I mean, there were naughty episodes as young as when she was a tiny baby, but we dealt with it and moved on. When the real nastiness, the real stubborn willfullness came on, was I think when I was pregnant with Bug. I have terribly rough pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Bug I remember bawling and praying because I was unable to do anything but be miserable. I took good care of Chicklet physically, but I was so sick and in so much pain that I was not there for her in other ways. I didn't play with her. I had a hard time interacting with her if it required moving from my chair. I started having Dora DVD's on all the time so she wouldn't start crying when I would lurch out of my chair and stagger to the bathroom to empty my stomach. She learned alot of good stuff from Dora, but it wasn't a good substitute for mother-daughter time.
When Bug was born, it was a while before I felt more myself and was playing with the kids again. Actually with both kids it took until they were about 10 months old before I started being able to keep up with basic housework and do fun things with them again. Before that I was so dead on my feet exhausted I didn't do much beyond changing diapers and feeding them. I know it sounds horrible. I took good care of them physically, I just wasn't able to play with them or converse with them like they need.
As soon as I could I started playing with the kids again. Including them and narrating to them as I went on about my day. I was teaching them things and singing with them all the time. I started noticing that Chicklet's behavior problems changed. She was tantruming less. But it didn't stop. In fact after a while she started getting worse again. I was paying close attention and noticed something.
She was constantly quoting movie lines. ALL the time. She'd be playing with her toys and start going on, "Oh no Boots, we can't ride on the brown leaves! They're falling apart! We have to ride on the GREEN leaves! Say Verde!" She would be coloring and say, "This is your badness level... unlooloolee high for someone your size." She would zoom around the house yelling, "Abort! Abort! Disengage! There are children aboard! I repeat, there are children aboard!" She would be eating lunch and say, "I'm not happy, Bob. NOT HAPPY." One day in the car she was mumbling to herself and I was listening. I heard, "...mumblemumble...Nemo you get back here RIGHT now you hear me! I'm going to count...mumblemumble...ahhh! ahhh! Nemo! Nemo! No no! Has anyone seen a boat?!...mumblemumble...OOF! ...mumblemumble...A boat? I saw a boat! It passed by not too long ago. mumble...follow me!..mumblemumble...'Ello! My name's Bruce! ...mumblemumble...Doing? We're not doing anything. In fact we're not even here... mumblemumble... trust a shark...mumblemumble...a little get-together I'm having. Whaddaya say?..."

It was at this point I decided that letting her watch one thing a day was obviously too much television. When the child's mind is that good that she can see Finding Nemo all of 6 times over the coarse of 6 months and then quote half the movie off the top of her head, I need to be finding a better use for that amazing memory.

The real eye-opener came about a month ago though, when she started quoting to me when she was having a bad attitude. Instead of falling on the floor screaming and crying like before, now she would fall on the floor and viciously kick, hit, throw, and beat anything within reach. Then she would curl up and bawl, "Weemememememememememememeeeee!" It was so annoying! It was like babytalk while tantruming. And then it clicked. She was being Lilo having her tantrum and then mumbling incoherently while Nani was trying to talk to her. She was being Stitch destroying things. She was being Mr. Incredible throwing his boss through the wall. She was being Nemo doing what his dad said not to. She was being Marlin yelling and grouching. She was doing exactly what kids do; being what she saw.

I talked to my husband about my observations. We had already cut the kid tv down to 3 movies or Doras a week plus Saturday morning toons with Daddy, but it obviously wasn't enough. We decided to cut out all tv and movies.

I think the problems started when I was sooo tired from my pregnancy with Bug that I was not able to give Chicklet the quality interaction she needed. The TV became her friend to replace Mommy while Mommy was too busy hunched over the toilet throwing up. And as long as that TV-friend was still holding that place in her life, I was at war with it for her heart. So I decided a good start to winning back my place as her best friend was to get rid of the competition.

One week later it was like she was a different child. Instead of quoting Nemo, I caught her repeating things I'd told her. She asked me what does N say. I told her N says nnnnnn and the rest of the day she kept repeating in a singsong voice, "N say nnnnn!"

I continued to notice positive changes. Less tantrums. Shorter tantrums. BOTH kids were happier in general, calmer. She had been boycotting naps before but now she would take one once in a while.

Then I decided it was okay to let them watch DVDs that have no talking, like Baby Einstein. Chicklet's naps went out the window again. And worse, that little bit of give for Baby Einstein was enough to make Mama backslide. I slipped. I gave in. I let her watch a "real" movie - one with talking. And it all unravelled. Tantrums galore. Attitude in bulk. Speaking in movie quotes.

Mama messed up.

So I'm getting back on the horse as of about a week ago. Here's what I've noticed since I cut out the TV again:
Chicklet's taking naps again most of the time. Even when she does not take one she still seems more refreshed than back in TV days.
Again less and shorter tantrums from both kids.
Less movie quoting.

Ah but then today Daddy slipped up and let me sleep in while he watched a movie with the kids. Uh-oh...

Chicklet cried and screamed and acted out all day.

Tomorrow is a new day! Gotta get back off the TV wagon- again.


So there you have it. Part 1 of the no-tv project. I will keep you updated as to how it goes! :) So far I'm loving the results!

Update HERE.