Mommy Moments: A child who begs to change diapers?!

~Mommy Moments~
Moments that are the essence of motherhood

My 4 1/2 year old daughter sees me changing her siblings' diapers at least a dozen times a day. And I always try to make diaper changes a sweet time. I know you're thinking, it's poo and pee, how can it be sweet? Well it's not about the poo and pee, it's about the one on one face time opportunity. Not that I'm not cooing in my kids' face acting like a silly goose at other times of the day... ;) It's just that it kind of takes the ick out of diaper changes if I'm distracted by kissing little toes and tickling little tummies and kissing little cheeks while I do it. So I've made it a habit to be so distracted- but don't give me too much credit here. I didn't really do it conciously, but I've just always loved the specialness that makes up for the ick and somehow wound up with this really handy habit of being so busy loving on, praising, singing to, and being silly with my babies.
My 4 1/2 year old Chicklet was no exception herself, in fact her diapers were the start of it. I would play "this little piggy" on one foot when I first put her on the changing table, then after changing her while singing some silly song, I would blow raspberries on her belly before snapping her onesie up and finishing off with a round of kisses on her chubby little cheeks and "this little piggy" on the other foot.
Well apparently in doing this I must have somehow made changing diapers look like a FUN and COVETED experience!!!! LOL!!!!! Because Chicklet began begging me to let her change the baby's diaper a few months ago. I made sure to only let her change wet ones- scared of the disaster that could happen if I were to let her change a #2. I also like to avoid letting her change her brother's diaper just because, well, he's a boy and they're pretty close in age. Not that she thinks anything of the difference, being only 4 1/2, but I think it just makes ME feel weird for her to be changing his diaper when they're so close in age, like it might be something he'd be embarrassed about when he gets older and finds out his only-2-years-older sister changed his diaper as a kid. Might be kinda awkward, KWIM? I haven't made a big deal about it and try to not act like I'm specifically keeping her from changing HIS diapers because I don't want it to be an issue in her mind. So when she asks to change a diaper I sort of reluctantly taught her how to change Babykins' diapers and sometimes allow her to change the wet ones with supervision. She BEGS me all the time to please let her change a diaper, and even CRIED over it one afternoon when I changed the baby for nap without asking her if she wanted to do it.


At the beginning of this week I asked Chicklet if she could think of ways that people tell each other they love them without using words. She looked confused. I told her that when I pet her hair or rub her back I'm telling her I love her without words. She was confused for a minute before a big grin took over her sweet little face and she ran up to me to hug me, saying, "We can say love with HUGS!" A moment later she added, "And KISSES!" I asked if she could think of anything else and she giggled and tickled me, saying, "Yep! Tickles too!"
Thursday morning I was reading my Bible and having prayer time. I had just changed Bug's diaper and given the kids a sippy and a cheese stick in bed to tide them over until I finished my prayer time. My computer is pretty much right outside of their bedroom so I hear everything that goes on and I heard it loud and clear when a short time later Bug hollered out that he messed his diaper. I answered back that I'm almost done my God-time and I'll change him in a minute. Well I'd just finished my prayers when I heard the timer buzz and the toddlers charged out of the bedroom like a herd of stampeding... toddlers. I opened my mouth to verbally direct my little dude to the changing table for a fix on that poo diap but before I could say a word, my daughter says to me, "Mommy, I changed brother's poopy diaper!"
Mommy about had a panic attack. I wondered how much poo was smeared where and opened my mouth to scold her for changing a diaper without supervision, and she KNOWS she only changes wet ones, and HOW MUCH POOP is smeared wherever she changed him, and...
But she again cut me off before I could say anything.

"I did it because I love him."

I froze and tears welled up in my eyes. I was about to chew her out and it's a good thing she unknowingly put me in my place before I did. Wow. Just wow.
Sometimes as parents we worry if we're doing it right, doing enough, doing too much... We hope we're not screwing them up. We pray that God will cover the areas we lack in with His grace. And then there are moments like this when we're just so humbled and amazed and honored to be given this task of raising these little souls.
I'm praising God for these little blessings- especially a certain daughter who knows that love is more than words. ~♥~

Dear New Mama, (Too Much or Unwanted Advice)

(image from photobucket.com)

Dear New Mama,
   Congratulations on your precious new little blessing! I know you're hearing all kinds of advice from everyone right now. Everything you read says something new. Everyone who loves you will want to give you helpful , and even people you don't know will see your precious newborn as a good reason to give you advice. As you're hearing all of these tidbits, some of wisdom and some just born from a need to know it all, it can be hard to know how to respond, to not be hurt or offended or worried by it all. It can be hard not to snap at the well-meaning advice givers that 'I can figure this out on my own thankyouverymuch so leave me alone!' Take a deep breath, say a prayer for grace, and listen with a smile. Then thank them for their opinion, if they persist you can say you will take it home to ponder. Pray and ponder. You can keep the good parts and leave the bad ones. Some advice will be really good and some will be really bad. Something that helped someone else might not help you and vice versa. The best way to weed through it all with a peaceful heart and come out the other side with confidence that you are doing the right thing is to pray and ponder. And most of those advice givers will never know if you take their advice or not.
   Then there are the advice givers who are closer to home. Friends and family. They might follow through to see if you followed their advice. They are a little trickier. They can be frustrating. "Did you ever try what I said...?" Usually they can be handled with a sweetly spoken, 'Yes, thank you for telling me about that! We tried alot of things and what we're doing right now is really working well.' Sometimes though you will have to put your foot down. It won't be easy. Keep in mind that while it is important to preserve the peace within the extended family, it is not to be at the cost of the peace in your own home. If keeping your mom or hubby's dear Auntie happy is causing problems between you and your husband or kids, then something will have to be done about it. There's a little something I like to call the honor order. It means who is at the top of your priorities. When you leave your father and mother and cleave to a spouse you begin a new family so your 'honor order' goes from God-Parents-Siblings-etc. to God-Spouse-Children-etc. Your parents and siblings should still be loved and treated with respect, but now your husband and children come before your other family. If you have to warn off an overzealous family member, keep a few things in mind:
-Pray about it first. God may want you to hold your tongue because He very well may want to resolve it without you. Prayer can go a long way toward resolving it without confrontation or paving the way for it to go over well.
-If you feel that you have no choice but to say something, pray pray pray to keep a right perspective. If it involves your husband's family, pray with him about it that it will go well. Pray in private that if it involves his family that he will feel the need to confront the person himself. It tends to go over better and be resolved faster if the spouse that is related is the one who puts their foot down.
-Anything done not out of love is ineffective for good and probably harmful. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation with anger in your heart. Pray for a loving attitude toward the person before you say anything.
-Choose your words carefully so that when you are loooking back on it later, if the loved one in question reacts badly, you will not have any guilt over having said something unnecessarily harsh or petty. A clear concience is a great comfort if there is a rift created over this.
-If it goes well, praise God! If not, pray for healing in the relationship and do not cease praying for it until it happens. God doesn't want us to be estranged from our relatives. God wants us to be at peace, not at war, with those He has given us to and has given to us.

Once upon a time, a certain mama (*ahem.me.ahem*) was having her first baby. This mama's MIL wanted to throw her a baby shower and things got heated. You see, the new mama was idealistic, and picky, in addition to having come from an ultra conservative background. The MIL was much more liberal and in her excitement at planning her first baby shower, wanted to make it really awesome and perfect- her way. The mama and the MIL had different ideas about how it should be done and it came down to a confrontation. I did not The mama *wink* did not pray about it first, spoke hastily, out of frustration and defensiveness, and regretted it. The MIL vented to other family members about how rude and picky the mama was, and the rift got bigger. It was not good.

Yeah I messed up. I should have prayed about it FIRST, looked at my own motives, spoken out of love and not reacted out of defensiveness, and decided what was really important before I made a stink. Thankfully God can work everything out for good, even the screw ups. My MIL and I are friends again and we've both learned a few things about how to relate to each other. I'm thankfully less picky and bossy. Now I didn't say I'm not at all picky or bossy anymore... Lol! So those of you who know me in person don't think I'm trying to pull the wool over on anyone here. ;) I have alot of flaws and I'm sure not perfect!

So if you take anything out of this story, take this:
Be quick to pray, quick to love, quick to look inward for fault, quick to apologize.
Be slow to anger, slow to speak, slow to blame.
If it comes to it, stand by what's right in a clam loving way, apologize for any wrong you've done, and pray that if there is a rift that it will be healed.

BOOK REVIEW: "Tithing - test me in this" by Douglas LeBlanc

TITLE: Tithing; test me in this
AUTHOR: Douglas LeBlanc
GENRE: Spiritual Growth & Christian Thought
ISBN: 978-0-8499-4608-0

PUBLISHER'S SUMMARY: "Stories of people who live a generous and happy life (and why you'll want to live that way too.) Journalist Douglas LeBlanc travels the nation to talk with believers whose lives have been enriched by the ancient spiritual discipline of tithing. He discovers people along the way who do not understand the practice as an onerous law but as God’s call to a life of generosity and compassion. The effect on their lives is dramatic. LeBlanc talks with a variety of believers—from a pastor in the south side of Chicago to progressive Episcopalians, from an Orthodox rabbi to an Eastern Orthodox priest and his wife. By holding their gifts with open hands, they are drawn deeper into a life of joy and sharing that begins in the very heart of God. A volume in the eight book classic series, The Ancient Practices, with a foreword by Phyllis Tickle, General Editor."




I was hoping that somewhere in this book it would talk about the history of tithing in depth. How and why it started. How it became such a taboo in our culture. I was hoping for all this in addition to real life examples of people who have been blessed by tithing...

*to read the rest of my review please go HERE.

Spiritual Warfare

I was in the woods. There were dark skeleton trees surrounding me. The sun peeking through the branches even seemed dim. And there was something up there... in the trees...

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)
So many things have happened since Thanksgiving and I wish I could say they were all good. Actually something pretty bad happened to some of my family recently. Not my immediate, hubby and kids, family. I can't tell you who it is and I can't tell you what it was, until it's all sorted out, but it's very much not good.

Before that, we had a brush with identitiy theft, but God caused my hubby to check his bank account almost as soon as the charges were made and despite the bank doing their best to make a nightmare of it, we were not out any money and the inconveniences from the whole thing are fairly minor in retrospect. I do hope they catch the selfish individual who did it. This person went online and ordered a ton of expensive novelty items from a goth store called Hot Topic. I pray that even if the police never catch this thief, that they will be overwhelmed with guilt until they repent and find something more honorable to do with their time and talents.
And before that we were all sick at some point or another for about 2 months. Some of us... *ahem* Some of us were sick for a week once, and some of us were sick for the whole 2 months.

And I had a dream that I was in the woods. The trees were naked and still and the dim sun peeking through the branches didn't warm the atmosphere. There was something up there. Something in the trees. Some sort of larger predatory bird. Many of them, sitting up in the trees, camoflaged, waiting. Waiting to swoop down and pick at the weak. At the first sign of weakness. Just waiting for a chance...

And that's when I knew that all these things that were happeneing were not coincidence. We were under spiritual attack. Some of my family, not my immediate family, still is. But when I had that dream it prompted me to get back on track in my prayer and Bible reading. I've spent nearly an hour every morning reading and praying lately, and I'm ashamed to say that's the most I've ever spent in my life on a regular basis with God. I was close to God as a small child, and by the time I had the self-government to have a specific time with God, I was a struggling teenager wrapped up in my struggles instead of dedicating time to God. I've come to be closer to Him again only since having kids and those of you who are mamas of only littles know that it's hard to get longer than 20 seconds without interruption to do anything. Many of us don't even get to go to the bathroom alone. My usual Bible readings were as many verses as I could get in on the internet before the next kid crisis, and short one liner prayers throughout the day, and finally I would try to pray as I lay exhausted in bed at night and wind up falling asleep a sentence or two into it. But as I determined to have this Sweet Hour Of Prayer every morning, God has allowed the teething (and usually crying) baby, to either sleep in late, or be happy in the Jumperoo while I read. The toddlers make it very difficult but as long as I get after them consistently, it is doable. I fill cups, change Bug's diaper, and bring them breakfast in bed. Then I set the timer for an hour and put it up on their shelf and they are allowed to get out of bed to get a toy to take back to bed, but they must stay, eat, and play on their beds until the timer dings. I make sure that they know this is because Mommy needs some special time with Jesus every morning, and because they know I'm doing this, they often beg me to read the Bible to them after the timer dings and they are allowed to get up.

If you feel that you or your family is under spiritual attack, I strongly encourage you to start or reinstate your own Sweet Hour Of Prayer! Perhaps if you already pray in the morning alone, you may wish to add a Bible and prayer time in the afternoon with your kids or before bed with your husband. Perhaps a prayer group online or with some other couple or some of your close friends. You will have to pray that God will help you to set this time aside for Him, and that He will show you what hour in your day is the one that you will have the least distrtactions. If you are not sure what to read or pray or where to start, I suggest that you just start at the beginning of the New Testament and read a chapter, slowly, letting it sink in, before beginning to pray. Thank God for His provision, for His love, for whatever you hold dear, and then cast all your burdens on Him and let go of them, in faith that He will work everything out for good to those who love Him. A chapter a day and if you feel you have more to glean from it, you can read the same chapter several days in a row until you feel that it has sunk in enough to move on to the next. When you have finished the New Testament, start over, this time at the beginning of Genesis, and you will be amazed how much more meaning the OT has when you are looking at it and thinking "So THAT's why/where/who/what/when..." after reading the NT. If you are having trouble knowing what or how to pray, I recommend purchasing one or more "Powere of a Praying ___" books by Stormie Omartian. I have The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Parent and I use one of the prayers in each as a springboard for my prayers for my family every day. I have gone through both of them several times over and will continue to do so as they are very good ways to launch a prayer for a specific person for a specific need in their life. A great couple's devotional is Night Light by James and Shirley Dobson- don't let the seeming simplisticness of the early questions throw you. It gets deep fast and some of the discussion questions are HARD to actually talk about!

March Giveaways!

http://everypreciousjoy.blogspot.com/2011/03/March-giveaways.html 
First, here are some awesome giveaways I have found! Check back frequently as I will be removing the ones that are over and adding new giveaway links as I can! Please click on a date to see a few select giveaways ending on that date. (If date is not clickable, I have not selected any giveaways to feature for that date yet.)

Giveaways By End Date:
March 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
April 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
_____________________

Linky Time!
••For more places to list your giveaways click HERE
_____________________
_____________________
Your turn! :) MckLinky up!
In the space that says Link Title, remember to include 3 things: YourBlogName - Giveaway Title [End date]. Does not have to be in that exact order but I do need all three in some order or another please. Link to the giveaway post specifically, not just to your blog in general.
PLEASE make sure you follow these easy instructions so it is easy for me to maintain and easy for people to view and use. Alot of people have not been doing this and it makes maintaining the list much harder and more time consuming for me. This is not an unreasonable request in the least: most giveaway linkups require this same format. You can use proper format and copy and paste it the same (proper) way to all the linkys you use. If this gets too hard for me to maintain due to people not doing this as I have asked, I will stop fixing them and have to instead delete any that I don't have the time to fix. So you see why it's not only courtesy but is also important to use the BlogName-GiveawayName[EndDate] format. (In any order. You can do End Date - Blog name - Giveaway or Giveaway - End date - Blog name or whatever as long as they are all in there.)
ALSO please note: I will immediately delete any entries that are innapropriate and further links from that blog may be deleted if I don't have time to screen them. A good way to look at it is if you wouldn't want your 13 year old daughter to have one or read the review in your words then DON'T LINK IT HERE. This is supposed to be a family friendly blog and when I've got people posting giveaways for ...um... 'romantic props' or something it is extremely embarrassing and upsetting to find that on my blog where my friends' innocent children could see it.
Your link WILL BE DELETED IF it links to a post that:
**Contains profanity, nudity, or inappropriate inuendo.
**Does not contain a blog giveaway.
**Endorses abortion, divorce, adultery, or things that are anti-God, anti-moral absolutes, anti-ten commandments, etc.
**Endorses a product/company that endorses abortion, divorce, adultery, or things that are anti-God, anti-moral absolutes, anti-Biblical commandments, etc.
**Is not appropriate for an innocent child to view.
This is what I believe in, and to allow links on my blog that go against that is something that I cannot do in good concience.


Entries will stay on the list until they expire (until the giveaway ends).
I will try to delete expired giveaways often to keep this list fresh and easy to view.
I will create a new list each month. This MckLinky list will run March 1st-31st. Check back April 1st for a new list.

~*~

February Giveaways!

http://everypreciousjoy.blogspot.com/2011/02/February-giveaways.html 
First, here are some awesome giveaways I have found! Check back frequently as I will be removing the ones that are over and adding new giveaway links as I can! Please click on a date to see a few select giveaways ending on that date. (If date is not clickable, I have not selected any giveaways to feature for that date yet.)

Giveaways By End Date:
February 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28
March 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
_____________________

Linky Time!
••For more places to list your giveaways click HERE
_____________________
_____________________
Your turn! :) Linky up!
In the space that says Link Title, remember to include 3 things: YourBlogName - Giveaway Title [End date]. Does not have to be in that exact order but I do need all three in some order or another please. Link to the giveaway post specifically, not just to your blog in general.
PLEASE make sure you follow these easy instructions so it is easy for me to maintain and easy for people to view and use. Alot of people have not been doing this and it makes maintaining the list much harder and more time consuming for me. This is not an unreasonable request in the least: most giveaway linkups require this same format. You can use proper format and copy and paste it the same (proper) way to all the linkys you use. If this gets too hard for me to maintain due to people not doing this as I have asked, I will stop fixing them and have to instead delete any that I don't have the time to fix. So you see why it's not only courtesy but is also important to use the BlogName-GiveawayName[EndDate] format. (In any order. You can do End Date - Blog name - Giveaway or Giveaway - End date - Blog name or whatever as long as they are all in there.)
ALSO please note: I will immediately delete any entries that are innapropriate and further links from that blog may be deleted if I don't have time to screen them. A good way to look at it is if you wouldn't want your 13 year old daughter to have one or read the review in your words then DON'T LINK IT HERE. This is supposed to be a family friendly blog and when I've got people posting giveaways for ...um... 'romantic props' or something it is extremely embarrassing and upsetting to find that on my blog where my friends' innocent children could see it.
Your link WILL BE DELETED IF it links to a post that:
**Contains profanity, nudity, or inappropriate inuendo.
**Does not contain a blog giveaway.
**Endorses abortion, divorce, adultery, or things that are anti-God, anti-moral absolutes, anti-ten commandments, etc.
**Endorses a product/company that endorses abortion, divorce, adultery, or things that are anti-God, anti-moral absolutes, anti-Biblical commandments, etc.
**Is not appropriate for an innocent child to view.
This is what I believe in, and to allow links on my blog that go against that is something that I cannot do in good concience.


Entries will stay on the list until they expire (until the giveaway ends).
I will try to delete expired giveaways often to keep this list fresh and easy to view.
I will create a new list each month. This Linky list will run February 1st-28th. Check back March 1st for a new list.

~*~

2010 Rewind PART 3 ~December~

This year for Christmas we decided to do a few things differently. More on that in a minute...
December brought with it a few challenges including the whole family getting the flu and staying sick until a week before Christmas, and alot of unexpected expenses. It felt like we were under a spiritual attack of some sort. Just thing after thing happening. God saw us through and we were able to go up to our parents' for Christmas. We didn't get the kids any gifts though. We decided to do our family Christmas celebration at a later date because if we did it in December there would be no gifts, no feast, and more stress than peace. No time to reflect on the true meaning. Due to many more unforseen circumstances we still have not had our Christmas.
Back to what all we're changing this Christmas! ;) Firstly we had considered the idea of three items per kid before, in honor of the three gifts presented to Jesus. We had never actually implemented it before though as it's hard to do it the way we wanted to before they are a few years old. You'll see why... We want the three gifts to represent Jesus' 3 gifts. Check out THIS article for a better explanation, but basically Gold would be represented by something expensive in cost or in value to the child, Myrrh represented by something for the physical body, and Frankincense represented by something to feed the child's relationship with God. Before they are old enough to want anything in particular or to understand a physical object's spiritual meaning it's kind of difficult to fit their gifts into these categories. So we decided that it was hard enough fitting Bug's (age 2 years) gifts into those categories, we'll just do Babykins' 3 gifts without the representations. Anything that causes one to panic or stress out over a material item is not worth it. And trying to find baby gifts for those categories was going to be difficult enough to take the focus off of where it belongs. So our new gift rule is 3 gifts per kid, and they represent the 3 gifts of the magi for anyone OVER age 2.
Another thing we did differently is that last year we had our Christmas "late" also and we have decided to make it a permanent tradition to have our family Christmas in January instead. It just takes so many kinds of stress out of it and the less stress there is the better the focus stays where it belongs. We don't do Santa, I know I've mentioned it before, so there is no stress from the kids over which Christmas Santa will leave gifts for. Money is tight for about everyone I've ever met in December with all the friends and relatives to buy gifts for so waiting for our own takes a big bit of money stress out of the picture. We buy the relatives and friends gifts in December, then our own in January. It's nice to take advantage of after-Christmas sales and clearance too. More time to prepare is a plus too. Doesn't it sometimes seem like the end of the year is a runaway train? School starts and you have to shop for that and sort/switch the summer clothes for the winter clothes and then there's helloween to prepare for or prepare an alternative for or prepare to avoid depending on your perogative and before you can catch your breath you're making travel or meal plans for Thanksgiving and then you realize it's Black Friday and you have less than a month left to do all your gift shopping and you have umpteen people to buy for not to mention the food and the travel plans again and the packing and the laundry and the decorating and the tree and this and that and the other thing and by the time you get halfway through December you realize that you've just spent the past 4 months running around like a 2 year old who just drank a whole soda himself after eating all the cookies in the cookie jar. *gasps for air* After all that, seriously I have no idea how anyone can relax and ENJOY Christmas!! It's seriously awful. I have sensory issues- I get overloaded really easily and shut down. I can't handle it. I can't remember anything. I can't finish a project. It's really awful. So delaying the celebration until late January is a humongous blessing to us. There are other perks too like how much I LOVE having the tree up for 2 months, and how the late Christmas cards still get displayed for a while and how it puts something to look forward to in the first part of the year since we don't really do anything for New Year's except stay up late watching a movie until we can groggily say to each other, "Hey it's January! Time for bed. Good night... *snore*" and we don't romanticize Valentine's between children either. Enough run-on sentences for one day? Yes I thought so too. I shall refrain from it for the remainder of this post now! ;)

So after deciding this about our traditions it took the pressure off and we got gifts for the relatives, travelled to visit family, and had a pretty good time. Except that everyone forgot my birthday. But that's another pout. I mean post. *ahem*
It was wonderful as always to see our families. Especially my mom. Especially after having just lost Nana.
Chicklet got a sweater from my sister and Fuzzoodles from my husband's brother and his wife. Hubby's mom got her a Madame Alexander doll.
Bug got a shirt from my sister and some toy cars and a train bank from hubby's family.
Babykins got a lovely sweater from hubby's brother's wife and some onesies and pants from my MIL and and my sister got her a sweater and pants.
We had dinner at my sister's house which was nice except for her kids were sick so of course my kids woke up on my birthday, the 27th, throwing up. Again. Just got over being sick and now sick again. For my birthday. *sigh*
My hubby did the sweetest most romantic thing for my birthday though! He gave me this super mushy card and in it he had a flower made out of gift cards with a pipe cleaner stem. It was perfect. I cried! He's the best! ♥♥♥
And so ended our year, not too terribly eventfully, sick again, but still looking forward to our own "real" Christmas.

2010 Rewind PART 2 ~Thanksgiving and the Aftermath of Loss~

Warning: this post is a bit of a downer. With creepy dreams thrown in too. Mostly I just journalled this stuff to try to figure out later.

Thanksgiving, just a week after Nana went Home to Heaven, was weird. It was bittersweet for those of us missing her. In a good way it was nice because it brought us all together when it would otherwise have been a divided family affair spent each with out little respective families acrost the country. My mother's sisters came, one from the other end of the country and one from several hours away. We decided to forego Thanksgiving as usual with my husband's family in order to be with my family at this difficult time also. It was really nice to see everyone but it still felt empty. My mom and her sisters and brother decided to go ahead and have it at Nana's house- now my uncle's house. It had already been planned for Nana's and she had the meal planned out and groceries bought so they went ahead and had it there just as she would have wanted. But it was insanely difficult to visit and walk around Nana's home and know she was not there and I would never see her again this side of Heaven. I won't get a chance to tell her I love her again, or to ask her about her childhood again, or to see my kids grow up knowing and loving her and her calling them "fweetie" like she did me when I was little.

Not long after my grandpop's death last year I dreamt that I was in their house with Nana and I could see the spirit of my grandpop walking down the hall. I saw him several times walk down the hall and each time he got younger and younger until he was the grandpop I remember from when I was little. I told Nana in the dream, that he was waiting for her. She said through her tears, "I can't I just can't think of that now... not yet. I have to be where I'm at." I turned from Nana and walked down the hall again and then turned around to walk back to the kitchen, and there was grandpop walking toward me and he had something in his arms and he was beaming, just radiant, joy coming off him. I saw a tiny head of dark hair and he was smiling into the tiny face and I knew it was a baby girl. As he got closer I tried to look at the baby's face to see who she was but I did not recognize her. From the side she looked like my own daughter but when I saw her face I knew she was not. Grandpop walked through me and vanished. That was the last time I dreamt of him. I thought the baby might be Carrie- his daughter that was his secondborn after my uncle: she died when she was a newborn. The joy on his face as he looked at that baby in his arms was so overwhelming that it made me cry. I woke up sobbing but feeling comforted.
After Nana's passing I did not have such a comforting dream. First there was a plague of insects coming out from under the bed and pouring out of an old dirty dilapidated car and everything was in dark dingy colors like everything was old and dirty. I was strangely unconcerned about the insects. I thought we should do something about them, and I thought they were icky, but I would stomp them and go on about my day without being disrupted or deterred. Then the colors were back and I was running through the corridors of a hospital. It was like a maze and everything was this burnt orange color. I had to get to Nana to say goodbye. My husband was with me. We finally found her. The room was dark with a fuzzy candlelight quality. In the room was my grandpop's body on the bed, and Nana was sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed but not too close, but she looked dead. When I got close to her, I saw that she was there but not registering anything. I knelt in front of her and started to cry. She suddenly focused on me for one second with crystal clarity. Her eyes lit up and she said lovingly with delight, "My little Jessie!" and then she died. Then both bodies were gone and one of my aunts looked at my mom, other aunt, and uncle, and said, "Okay well what now?" and everyone picked up their things to leave except Uncle Bob who stayed in his chair. I wanted to scream, "How can you just move on like that?! What do you do with the pain?!" but I held my tongue. Then I woke up.