Friday, January 8, 2010

Nov. - Dec. 2009 recaps, Part 2

Day before yesterday I posted about my new baby nephew and my sister's visit during hunting season.
The next exciting thing that happened was going up there for Thanksgiving. My sis spent it with her hubby's fam. but I got to see everyone else. I wrote this shortly after returning home from Thanksgiving: My mom has been fighting breast cancer for 8 years. She has half a dozen large tumors the size of grapefruits in her abdomen. Where her right breast was there is an oozing scar tissue hole in her chest. She had had a lumpectomy over 7 years ago and it didn't work- the cancer was already in the lymph nodes and just came back to eat the breast off and leave a gaping hole. Her right arm therefore is swollen and barely functions because it's pretty much cut off from her body. She has tried more different cancer treatments than I've ever heard of in the last 8 years. Her left breast is a tumor. She is on super doses of mega painkillers and it barely touches the constant pain she's in. She can't sleep anymore, just rocks in the recliner all night with tears streaming down her face, humming to herself to keep from sobbing out loud. She takes care of the 2 story farmhouse, dad's pigs and other farm critters when he's working late. She only has one working hand (her left- she's ..was... right handed) and tries to do everything with it. I told her she needs to stop trying to do everything and she started crying and said she can't. She said, "I can't stop! When I stop it means I've given in to dying and I can't give in or I will die!" She can't do any of the finer things she loves. She's always loved to sew and she cries because she cannot sew anymore. She cannot make it to the city because it hurts too much to be in the car. So she only travels between her home and her mom's to help her mom. Yes she takes care of her mother!!!
Her mom, My nana, is not well either. My Grandpop died July 1st. September 7th my Nana fell off a ladder. She was hanging curtains. She broke her leg. She was hospitalized. She wouldn't eat so they put in a feeding tube. She was finally released. She's in a wheelchair now. My mom and Nana are the strongest women I know and to see them both so weak and helpless sucks the hope right out of a person.
Unless God does a miracle, this will be my mom's last Christmas. Maybe Nana's too. Seeing them both at Thanksgiving brought that home for me.
Right now I'm in a bit of pain myself. I have a head cold or sinus infection or something- my eyes are draining, my mouth itches, I can't breathe, my snot is yellow, and something else showed up last night. My kids are not sleeping well and I'm in pain head and abdomen and up with littles all night. When I'm sleep deprived or physically worn down (right now I'm both) it's very difficult for me to keep my emotions in check.


I was have been in a bad place emotionally with this. It's so hard to see those I love hurting so! I'm a fixer- I want to fix everyone. I want to hug them and hold them and make it all better. I want to make the bad things go away. There are things you just can't kiss away...

The kids got sick when we got home from Thanksgiving, one right after the other, and followed shortly by me as I mentioned in the quoted portion above. Then my poor husband got sick too. We were sick most of December and got better RIGHT before Christmas! Barely in time to go up to my family's for Christmas. Which I will continue in another post so I don't bore your eyeballs right out of your heads. ;) Have a great weekend!

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