Footprints in the sand of my life...

A post over on Pixel Perfect gave me the inspiration to write this post. :)

Signposts along the path of my life which I have left as a rememberance of the Blessings and guidance God has given to me!

When I was just a little baby in my mother's womb, I was dying. When I was born they didn't know if I would live. My mom had had blood transfusions previously that did not match her blood. When she was pregnant with me (and 5.5 years later my brother as well), her blood was trying to kill me. Somehow though I did not die. I lived and thrived!

About 5 months before this, in a different state, a baby boy was born very prematurely. The doctors and parents didn't know if he would make it. He had a machine to breathe for him. It was a miracle that he did make it! And he lived and thrived.

I met that boy 13 years later and I soon knew that he was The One. It took him about 3 years longer to come to the same conclusion. ;) But that was 3 years I don't regret. While it was very difficult with all the doubt and rejection, it was 3 years I had to pray, to pour out my heart to God, and to sort out in my mind and heart what was important to me in life.

When I was 17 I was at youth group playing freeze tag in the church basement with the other youth and I tripped on something, likely my own feet, and fell into a window. My hand went through the glass, and then my head and shoulders. Time slowed down. I could hear the glas raining down around my ears. I was through the window to my waist and was about to fall all the way out when my right hand caught the wall at the edge of the window. This was a big window and I should not have been able to reach the edge of it, let alone push back with enough force to push myself back into the church. But somehow the wall was suddenly closer, I was suddenly stronger. And I pushed myself back into the room. I felt myself falling straight backwards. I was surrounded by a bright light, it was all I could see. This comforting glow all around me as I fell backward. I fought with everything in me to stay standing. I could not. I was too heavy. I was scared. Then I felt a giant warm hand on the back of my neck and shoulders, gently oh so gently. Someone said in my mind, more like a knowing than a hearing, "trust me." I paused in my fighting for a second, then as I realized I was still going backward I fought again. The calm voice said, "You are safe. Trust me! Trust me." So I let go. I totally let go. I stopped fighting. I let myself fall backward. Only I was no longer falling. I was being ever so gently layed down. So gently. I felt peaceful and safe. I felt the hand on the back of my neck and shoulders still there and it comforted me. Then I heard other voices. "Is she alive?" "She's not moving!" "I think she's unconcious!" "Somebody call 911! Call an ambulance NOW!" I began to mentally claw my way back and the light went out. The hand was gone. It was dark. I started trying to speak and it was a few eternity long seconds before I could. Finally I shouted, "NO AMBULANCE! No hospital, no ambulance. I'm fine!" But I was not fine... I couldn't see a thing. I pulled myself to sitting and I was blind. Everything was as if I had my eyes closed, only they were open. I hurt. My knee hurt. My left arm hurt. My head hurt. Everyone swarmed in on my all at once and I went nuts. I lost it. I yelled at them not to touch me and said I can't see. They ignored me and I freaked out and began lashing out with my fists at anyone nearby screaming to stop touching me. Finally after I punched my future husband's best friend in the stomach they got the picture and stopped crowding me. After a minute of being left alone, crouched on the floor like some wounded animal, I started regaining my vision. As soon as it came back I was calm. I looked down at my hurting leg and saw nothing, so I then looked at my arm and saw that my wrist was sliced open and bleeding, swelling around my watch. I calmly said, "Can somebody please help me get this watch off before it swells so much it cuts off my circulation?" The youth leader jumped into action and gently removed the watch while his mom got me a paper towel to catch the blood. I refused to go to the ER at first, but later, upon finding that my right knee was split open to the bone about 2 inches long I allowed myself to be taken to the ER. The phantom pains would torment me at night after that. In my knee it would feel like my leg was being sawed off. I would scream and my sister would wake up in the next room and bring me pain meds, bless her heart! A couple months later, after the stitches were out and I was able to walk on it more normally again, my sister and I were talking. I was feeling depressed and moody. Satan was whispering in my ear that God doesn't exist. He said that we are alone in this world. I had been wondering why years of prayer had not turned my man's heart to me yet, if I was imagining my strong feeling that he was The One. I thought maybe all my prayers were wasted. Maybe I'm crazy. I prayed silently, "Oh God! I'm doubting you! Please help me! Help my unbelief! Please don't strike me dead for this; Please show me that You are real!" This all happened during a conversation with my sister about something trivial like music. My mind turned to the accident and suddenly I remembered something I'd forgotten about completely until that moment. The Hand. The Voice. I asked my sister, "Hey, remember when I went through the window?" She said she remembered the horrible incident. I continued, "Well after I pulled back into the room somebody caught me and layed me down really gently. Who was it? I have completely forgotten it until now but whoever it was was a hero for thinking so fast to catch me! I really need to thank them!" She was silent for a moment and then said, "Uuuhhh... Um... There was nobody near you. I don't know what you think you remember but there was nobody near you. You bounced back into the room, bashed your head against the wall on the way, and then fell really hard, rolling."
It was then I knew without a doubt that God had not only not struck me dead for asking for a sign, but in His great mercy he had answered my question months before I asked. He had sent an angel to catch my falling soul gently while my physical body was injured. He took me out of that moment and whispered to me to TRUST HIM. And the echo of that came back to me when I asked Him if He is real. "You are safe. Trust me! Trust me." I KNOW God is real. I have felt His hands keeping me from harm and I have heard His voice whispering to me to trust Him. This has always been a great comfort to me when I feel Satan's lies pummeling me! When the evil one whispers in my ear that God is not real or does not care about individual people, I love when I remember the precious words God whispered into my soul that night.

At 18 years old, I was blessed by Mr. Right waking up to my existance! :) When I was 19 we married in May. We had both saved ourselves for marriage. Praise God! I walked down the aisle barefooted in a fairytale dress my mother made, in the spring by a lake outside. That will be 8 years ago this May... 8 wonderful blessed years!

We decided not to have children for a while at first. Then we decided due to the awfulness of the world we would not have children at all.

Then in January of 2006 I found out I was pregnant. And so on September 17th, 2006, a beautiful baby girl was miraculously born to two people who should not have survived from their own births and did not plan to have children at all.

In July of 2007 I had a miscarriage. It was a very dark time in my life. God sent me the support I needed to be able to finally greive and heal. And in November I conceived our dear Bug! The pregnancy was full of scares, so many times I thought something bad was happening, but it did not and he was born in August of 2008.

1 week before the birth of little Buggie, was the culmination of another miracle. The purchase of our first house!

So here I am, in a miracle house, living a miracle life with a miracle of a husband two miracle children. (And probably a miracle computer since it's tried to croak on me about 100 times already and somehow keeps hanging on.) I sometimes get discouraged, sometimes I despair. It's so hard to see the sun (Son) when you're in the dark valleys, isn't it? But He keeps bringing me up the mountains to see the beautiful view of the tapestry of my family's lives. If I just hang on a little longer through the valley, there's the mountain on the other side and at the top is the overwhelming peace of His presence. At the top, I can see the miracles behind me, a trail of them, like a patchwork ribbon of joys and sorrows, beautiful contrasts that I can only understand afterward- some on the mountains and some not until Mt. Zion.

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Praise be to God on High! You oh Lord have faithfully brought me through the trials, even when I have drug my feet and resented You! Even when I have doubted! You have been ever patient with me and I thank you Lord from the depths of my soul! I want to be useable by You as You have used others to help me on my journey! Please use me, flawed though I am. Use me to show others Your amazing love and faithfulness to those who love You! Amen!
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